Bad Dreams

Ok, so my hubby goes on business trips all the time, that's nothing new. I have dreams when he goes, but in my dreams, I always seem to know that I'm dreaming, it just scares me slightly. Last night (AFTER he has been back from the latest trip for a few days) I had a TERRIBLE dream. It felt so real, my subconscious didn't even seem to know I was dreaming...I wasn't aware. I woke up crying quietly (although in my dream, I was screaming in emotional agony) and had to snuggle up closer to Chris, completely relieved that he was still alive and lying next to me in bed. I have to say that I really hate having dreams like this. All day today I've been having a hard time shaking that unnerving feeling, and constantly have been checking my phone and have called and texted him a few more times than normal, just to have that reassurance - I even tried to go out shopping with my mom (had a good time, but still was antsy and relieved to get home to him, hugging him just a little tighter when greeting him. I'm not sure if anyone has noticed or not, but I still find myself tearing up typing this, I swear I'm going to start crying and Chris (laying next to me in bed watching Animal Planet) will think I've completely gone nuts (white jackets and padded rooms, here I come).

In my dream, I'm actually asleep and get awakened by the phone ringing. It's the Wyoming Highway Patrol asking if this was the Nelson residence, if I was Sandi and if my husband's name was Chris. I answer yes to each of those questions. The officer on the other line tells me that there has been an accident. I find myself frantically trying to write down directions to where he is, so that I can get there to be with him, then trying to find a babysitter to watch the kids overnight. Then I'm driving down the highway, not being able to pass anyone that is going slower than the speed limit, because there's mega traffic jams going on because of construction. I finally get past all of that and speed to the hospital where he is (I couldn't even tell you the city right now, but I can vividly see everything in my mind). I race in there and they tell me that he's finally stabilized enough for them to load him up in Life Flight and transfer him to Denver. I ask if I can see him before they load him up, which they grant me, but tell me that I'll have to find my way to his room myself because they're way busy, they give me directions and I set off, but in the maze of the hospital, I get lost and can't find him. Then when I finally get someone to help me, I find that LF has already taken off with him. I run to my car and drive and drive and drive for what seems like forever. Then, somehow, I'm in the next hospital and I'm sitting down waiting for the doctors to update me on how he's doing. When they finally come out, they tell me how sorry they are for everything that I've had to go through, but that they don't have any news that will make me feel better. They keep beating around the bush and not telling me what is wrong. I keep asking questions and they just look at each other, almost as if wondering if they should tell me anything in my "fragile state" - I was a hysterical mess by this point, and it was apparently evident by my appearance. They finally told me that they weren't able to save him and that they had tried everything possible, but that my husband was gone. My dear, sweet, loving and compassionate husband, my best friend...the one I could rely on for everything - my rock...my EVERYTHING! I began to hyperventilate and it seemed like I had tunnel vision...people sounded so far away. I was planning out the funeral program...picking out caskets...everything. I would cry at the drop of a hat (for obvious reasons) - it was a nightmare that I couldn't leave. After the funeral, I ran away...ran and ran as fast and as far as I could. I finally was in a field, by myself and I let out a scream of pain, agony and complete insanity for my loss...it was in the middle of this scream that I woke up crying to myself. The kids were just starting to stir...they came in and climbed into bed with us for a bit, then went downstairs to visit my mom. Normally, I'd feel terrible (and still do somewhat) about them waking her up, but this morning, I really needed to just be with my husband, just laying in his arms...just for a few extra minutes. I think I even took a small nap, but not much.

The rest of the day has just been gloomy, I try to laugh, but I'm not sure if it's been whole-hearted or not. I hope no one else has noticed, I've really been trying to hide it, but still can't shake that feeling of "what if". What if this is a fore-warning (I REALLY hope it's not)?! What if, what if, what if?! I can't tell any of you just how grateful I am that he's laying beside me now.

I really hate nightmares - really really bad! GO AWAY NIGHTMARES AND LEAVE ME ALONE!