Confessions

Have you ever sat and thought about things in your life and, even though you know differently, blame yourself? Or even wish things were different even though there's nothing wrong with them now? Or possibly mourn over something that doesn't need mourning over? Yeah, I do too. Especially when it comes to my children and their "issues" or insecurities. I blame myself for the deformities that they were born with. For the disabilities they have. The fact that they get picked on sometimes at school and thus are shy at times...I somehow feel the blame is mine.

I was wracked with guilt while in the waiting room of the hospital with Aralynn and while sitting there through that agonizing hour, I remembered feeling that exact same way with my other kids that had to go through the anesthesia and procedure process. Then, when we had to replace her bandage, I got my first glimpse at her "new thumb". It's not perfect. It's not pretty anymore. It looks like there's a rainbow shaped chunk taken out of it. Her knuckle isn't formed right either. It faces away from her hand, so even though we got the other thumb out of the way, her thumb usage will be 'distorted' and for some reason that bothers me. I'm going through the "did I do the right thing" phase of this procedure now. Did I? When it heals all the way and I get a better look at it, this might change, but for now, I'm second guessing myself. Deep down I know I DID do the right thing, if not for her gross motor skills, but for her to not have insecurities in having the extra appendage...even though that might still be the case if her thumb is still crooked after it heals up.

Also, I knew when Tyler was diagnosed with SPD that there would be issues with other children possibly making fun. We ran into our first issue of that yesterday. It made me want to be a grade-schooler and tell the other kid that Tyler wasn't weird *he* was! I wanted to scrunch my face up and stick my tongue out and call him a dummy, but I didn't. I simply explained that Tyler's brain doesn't think the same way as his does or anyone else's for that matter. Not one person's brain functions the exact same as another one, so, no, Tyler is NOT weird (this child was also, in my opinion, the poster child for Special Ed...just sayin' {sorry, that was rude}). This also made me want to pull him out of school and home-school him, keep him in a protective bubble. The only thing holding me back from doing that is the therapy that he so desperately needs and is receiving right where he's at. He couldn't get that from me. And that makes me sad. Its a punch in the gut to realize that you can't provide for your child's every need. A very sobering realization.

Gosh, why can't my life just be normal?! Would it make me a bad person to admit that some days I wish that I had some normalcy around here?! I hope not, because I totally do.