I remember, while growing up, I used to absolutely LOVE Mother's Day and Father's Day. I would shout from the rooftops and praise my parents and grandparents, aunts and uncles, siblings and in-laws - I would spend hours on handmade crafts (that probably looked like toddler or pre-school craft projects gone horribly wrong, no matter what age I was/am haha). And, don't get me wrong, I still love this time of year, it's just different for me now. I'm more subdued in my excitement - no less excited, but...I don't know.
I didn't post anything on social media yesterday and, in a way, it felt like I was betraying those around me that I love most. I just couldn't force myself to wade through the sea of thoughts swirling around in my head and put them down in any way that made sense. So, here I am, a day late, trying to sooth the guilt of not posting yesterday, by posting...something. Anything.
In 2019, I could barely sit through the church service dedicated to Fathers. Then, to top it all off, the closing hymn was one that was sung at my dad's funeral. I couldn't get out of there fast enough.
In 2020, I hollered "Happy Father's Day, Dad!" to my father-in-law while my husband was chatting with him on the phone. We were in the car driving back from Cokeville, after helping my mom clean up some more from the house fire earlier that year. As soon as those words left my mouth, I started to cry. For hours I silently let the tears fall, I couldn't hold them back no matter how hard I tried. There was something in that phrase that jarred me as soon as it rolled off my tongue and left my lips. Maybe it was the realization that I couldn't say that to my own dad - at least, not in the way I had been able to before. Maybe I felt like I was betraying my dad by saying it to someone else. Either way, it hurt so much! The trauma of watching him battle cancer, feeling helpless on the sidelines, was such a heavy thing to endure (though, I'm sure, it was much heavier for him), then facing the trauma of losing my childhood home (my dad's childhood home) a little over a year later, right at the beginning of the global pandemic. Things just seemed so bleak at times. It was definitely a year of difficulty for many, many reasons.
This year, I celebrated those I love, just not publicly. My own children still struggle with the losses we've faced (so do I, if I'm being honest), so it was a struggle getting through church services again (does it ever get easier, is it ever NOT a struggle?). We praised my husband here at home and showered him with cards, treats, and love. I even managed to wish my father-in-law a happy father's day without crying (I just left out the "dad" part of that this time). It went better this year, I think, but I still felt guilty for not publicly praising them. What has social media done to us?! Made us feel like we HAVE to put things out there or we're failing somehow, or makes us feel "less than" for not posting things. Well, guess what FB and Insta - I'm not failing at anything and I'm still just as awesome (although, now that I think of it, is a blog post the same thing as a social media post? Hmmm...)!
Anyway, Happy Father's Day to all my loved ones - my amazing husband Chris, my wonderful father-in-law Bruce, my many brothers-in-law (I'll list them all if you want me to LOL), my awesome brother Scott, and a heavenly day to my hero of a dad! I sure hope you all know where my heart really is and that I truly do appreciate you all and love you all dearly!
