Sunday, July 25, 2010

Getting Used to Disappointment

I don't think that I ever will be used to this particular thing.

I spent all day yesterday planning and preparing my lesson. It took me all day because I couldn't sit for very long without hurting, or losing my attention. I was so proud of myself to be able to accomplish this thing. It was completely with a poster and cutsie little hand-outs (and candy, who doesnt' like getting that). I was hurting pretty bad last night, but thought I would feel slightly better this morning. But not so. All I've been able to do today is cry. I got up, showered, got dressed, got kids dressed, breakfast, etc - all the while, crying intermittently. We made it to church a little late, but we were all there just as they started to say the prayer. I got elbowed and kicked, which would bring on the tears I was trying so hard to keep at bay. Chris asked me after sacrament meeting was over if I needed to go home and I said I'd like to sit on the couches outside for a bit before deciding. An amazing woman in my ward came up and gave me a hug and asked about the baby and how things were going. I replied my same reply that I give to almost everyone, "the baby's fine and I'm ok most days." She then informed me that I was in her prayers each and every day, and she's been trying to keep my name on the prayer roll at the temple. I broke down again and thanked her. She hugged me again and left for class. Another sweet lady came up and said that she had a feeling as she was leaving the chapel that I needed a hug and some love, so she came back in to give it. I again cried harder and thanked her. She left for class and then Chris showed back up (he had taken the kids to their classes) and tenderly helped me up, gave me a hug and told me to go home, no questions asked. I sobbed. Mom and I left and I'm not sure which hurts more...the emotional disappointment, or the pain in my stomach. Both are pretty high right now.

Every time I think I get control over my emotions, someone smiles at me or talks to me and I start crying all over again. Today's just going to be a rough day, I think. I had another thought just occur to me...we have our Home Teachers coming over today. I sure hope I can get a nap or get a hold of myself before they arrive! I really hate being so makes me feel weak!

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